On toxic masculinity, and slapping people in public
I do my best to stay away from popular news, I am one that chooses to live under a rock. This week however, Will Smith slapping Cris Rock at the Oscars permeated deep into the soil that covers my head, and got my attention. I have a shallow understanding of the Will and Jada marriage model. And full disclosure, I’m in the camp of “every one defines their own marriage, because values and rules are for poor people, so if you’re a rich bitch you do you”. I’m also in the marriage as a wholesome union camp, because marriage is individual. So y’all do y’all. My ultimate stance on the issue of marriage is your marriage is your choice. You might ask, “Can I be in so many camps”? Of course. Its called neuroplasticity.
I have been called a toxic male. I have a tendency to be condescending. I also have a way of expressing my beliefs, that to the snowflakes out there, can be too much, which causes them melt. I am mostly aware of my actions, and I work hard to be considerate of the highly sensitive people (HSP) out there in my speech, most of the time. This piece is part rant, an invitation for intellectual discussion, and of course rants are emotional, so trigger warning if you choose to continue.
Here is some ‘science’ on toxic masculinity according to TA Kupers.
The term toxic masculinity is useful in discussions about gender and forms of masculinity because it delineates those aspects of hegemonic masculinity that are socially destructive, such as misogyny, homophobia, greed, and violent domination; and those that are culturally accepted and valued . After all, there is nothing especially toxic in a man’s pride in his ability to win at sports, to maintain solidarity with a friend, to succeed at work, or to provide for his family.
Here the author tries to integrate their studies with hegemonic masculinity as it was described by R W Cornell in Gender and Power. TL:DR hegemonic masculinity or dominant maleness, is built on the pillars of a hierarchy of inter-male dominance and domination of women. This focus on power can be deleterious to women, in essence. These behaviors can be toxic. The book is deeper than that though. You can get a cheap used copy on amazon if you’re so inclined. Makes good bedtime reading in nerd talk is your thing, and talks about the many masculinities from historical and cultural perspectives.
I provide the above references because, among other things, I felt quite slighted when I was called a toxic male. In general when I am thrown into cognitive dissonance, I seek evidence for the sides of my beliefs and the new information I receive. So I jumped into the rabbit hole of discovery to see if my armchair therapist (not a trained therapist in any sense for that matter) at the time knew what they were talking about. Turns out, they were on to something.
Some of the behaviors that make men ‘real men’ can be perceived by the HSP’s out in the wild as truly dangerous to their well-being. After all my research, which includes the books, the journals, the Twitter, the Reddit and the Facebook, I came to the personal conclusion that the social construct of masculinity lies on a spectrum. And the tools for achieving peak masculinity can be very inconsiderate to others, if one believes that consideration for others is a virtue that is essential to a functioning society. On the other end of that spectrum, the male would behave in ways that can be described as traditionally feminine (Social culture withstanding), which would put the person in conflict with feminine expectations and male expectations from the average person in society, in my view.
I also came to reflect of what it means to be feminine, and what in my mind a ‘toxic female’ would be, if the academics and woke culture took time to explore the anti-narrative of male toxicity. And I came up with with the spectrum of humanness. I might take some time to put this in electric ink so y’all can read. Still, it is my belief that if cultures take time to seek out providing support to each others well-being, then these actions would lead us closer to a more wholesome way of life, which would be ideal. If ideal was the standard, but I digress.
I will admit that there are things that I do that are on the spectrum of male toxicity. I am a recovering workaholic. Small r. I will do the occasional all-nighter, but I don’t do weekends; unless the proverbial building is on fire, and I use my vacation days because I can, and because I earned them from the hard work. When I feel cornered in a highly emotional discourse, I can lose all sense of equanimity and rant in the condescending way, some seem like misogyny to the HSP’s and woke folk. Although the DSM5 does not have guidelines for toxic maleness, and the sociology/psychological literature are pretty much in the wild west on how many traits one needs to classify as “toxic”, there is the APA’s Guidelines for Psychological Practice With Boys and Men, which provides a framework for building wholesome boys and men. So after all my research I’ll agree to having toxic male traits. And think that many men do. Nature and nurture always seems to get us. Am I a full blown toxic male? No, that is not a thing, FakeNews.
Which brings me to the slapping thing. First comedy is hard. Especially these days. We’re learning to be comfortable, considerate and respectful about the sensitive people among us and their traumas. This is a positive move for society. Comedy should adapt to society. So adding sensitivity to jokes although it seems oxymoronish, is a good moonshot goal. Still, read the house dear commedian, comedy is hard. Second, there is that hierarchy between males, and we are always a victim of our history. Inside my head, I try to be aware of my actions. Because at every step, there are the voices that run my feedback loop on:
Was that a good move?, Read the room., Should we stop?, Should we continue?, Apply Brakes!, Okay just do it!, Too much?
But as I said before, when I feel cornered, my brain circumvents this feedback loop. It’s the adrenaline. I wonder what in Will’s history triggered his autonomic nervous system to short circuit his cool exterior loop. I have an idea. But that’s for the next time.
